Almost Done, But
The semester is almost over and I am completely burnt out. It's not even because of the large amount of studying that I've been doing lately. I'm not apathetic about my grades--I want to study hard to learn this material and perform well on my last final. I don't know what it is. I think it's best described as a general lack of focus because I have no idea what is most important to me or what should be most important to me. In the past, that priority was always clear: do well in school, get into college, find a major that I enjoy, succeed in those studies, and so on. I had never experienced this confusion until the past year of my life and it has only intensified over that time. It's as if I'm completely lost, but not because I don't know how to get to where I want to be. I simply don't know where I want to be.
When I was younger, unlike many of my peers, I was never able to envision my future adult-self in the "real world." I had a strong drive to succeed because I wanted to be able to do anything. Well now I am an adult, but I have yet to gain some greater foresight. How far can the old motivation take me? How far should I let it?
At the end of the day, all I have are a bunch of vague notions about different things that I think would make me happy now or in the future. Unfotunately, none of these notions can be combined to point me in any one direction. Even worse, the few times that I've actually been content with or optimistic about my current direction in life, the underlying reasons for that optimism have been snatched away by (seemingly) outside circumstances. How does somone with no experience in making difficult decisions filter through everything in order to act based on some obscure set of priorities?
It's probably not healthy to engage in this type of deliberation during finals week, but I can't help it. These questions have been in the back of my mind for months and particularly in recent weeks, and they aren't going away anytime soon.
When I was younger, unlike many of my peers, I was never able to envision my future adult-self in the "real world." I had a strong drive to succeed because I wanted to be able to do anything. Well now I am an adult, but I have yet to gain some greater foresight. How far can the old motivation take me? How far should I let it?
At the end of the day, all I have are a bunch of vague notions about different things that I think would make me happy now or in the future. Unfotunately, none of these notions can be combined to point me in any one direction. Even worse, the few times that I've actually been content with or optimistic about my current direction in life, the underlying reasons for that optimism have been snatched away by (seemingly) outside circumstances. How does somone with no experience in making difficult decisions filter through everything in order to act based on some obscure set of priorities?
It's probably not healthy to engage in this type of deliberation during finals week, but I can't help it. These questions have been in the back of my mind for months and particularly in recent weeks, and they aren't going away anytime soon.
posted by Mike at 12:18 AM
31 Comments:
you probably already know what you really want to do. grad school is a safe haven for a lot of people. it's also a place for people who really want to be academics for the rest of their lives. if you have no business in the latter group, it shouldn't be a hard option. obviously making the permanent decision is the toughest.
find a plan and work towards it. flip-flopping and dreaming about something else while on a much different track is hazardous and a waste of time. stop overthinking it, get up, decide and go do the extrordinary things you want to do.
If it makes you feel any better, Mike, we can't envision you in the real world either.
Dude, you really ought to get out of here if its not what you want. As much as I'd hate to see you go, I would rather you didn't spend important years of your life doing something just because you're there.
Anyway, we get back to Rochester, next semester, we'll party like there are no qualifiers and then it won't even be an issue ;)
For pete's sakes make the most of this extraordinary opportunity! I wish that I had had the chance you have now to get a Ph.D. I will always regret that I do not have one. Also, that I was not able to go to a top-rated college as an undergrad. Also, that I let math anxiety rule my choices in life. You are gifted in math and you have gone to an Ivy League college and can do anything in the world-I just hope that you do not short change yourself like I did.
I'm right there with you man. I think this "wise guru" guy is missing the point. The problem is that we've haven't made a decision as to what we want to do, we've let our talents and skills guide us through life, not necessarily our passions and what we care about.
what we are passionate at =/ what we are skilled at
it took me 4 years as an undergrad to figure that out. And right now I'm facing graduation with the same mentality: where is the union between our skills and our passions?
Dude, you need to get laid.
QQ MORE NOOB
Typical. Hackneyed. Blase. Egocentric. It's almost as if you think your sophomoric monologue is original. It must really be tough to be in a Phd. program. How has your tiny blip of a life not shown up on the world's global radar. Fuck Rwanda, Darfur, Bosnia, Serbia basically forget about anything except yourself. How has this problem gone unanswered for so long? How have you coped? Your sheer will to survive the decrepit and harrowing dungeon of a post-graduate education pale even Christ's sacrifice.You are truly a modern hero.
Typical. Hackneyed. Blase. Egocentric. It's almost as if you think your sophomoric monologue is original. It must really be tough to be in a Phd. program. How has your tiny blip of a life not shown up on the world's global radar. Fuck Rwanda, Darfur, Bosnia, Serbia basically forget about anything except yourself. How has this problem gone unanswered for so long? How have you coped? Your sheer will to survive the decrepit and harrowing dungeon of a post-graduate education pale even Christ's sacrifice.You are truly a modern hero.
HAHAHA I almost fell out of my chair laughing when I read this. I'm truly sorry that my entry's lack of originality bores you, but I suggest you look at this blog's title before reading on.
I'm off to brave the "harrowing dungeon" named Carlson Library to prepare for my last final. Yes. Poor me, indeed.
Actually, you do raise a very important point.
The next time I intend to say something original, I won't write down my feelings directly. Instead, I'll write some fiction (a novel, perhaps) and conceal my true thoughts and intentions within the pages of the text. This is beneficial for a few reasons:
1) My readers can enjoy picking apart my words in vain attempts to determine exactly what I was trying to convey. Maybe (just maybe) they will glean some greater understanding of their lives and their own world in the process.
2) I might be able to make a few dollars if my book is worthy of being published. I can then donate that money to various relief funds that feed and clothe people living in, say, Rwanda, Darfur, Serbia and Bosnia.
I think this plan adequately reconciles your vitriolic accusations and my own self-centered ramblings.
Shut up; you had me at "glean".
Two posts, 20 minutes apart. I'm flattered you were affected by me so much. I just hope you can admit you went the the Carlson to look up words like "vitriolic". Here's another word to add to your vocab flashcards.
Douche Bag. -Noun.
[Doosh-bag](Pronunciation key)
1) A small syringe having detachable nozzles for fluid injections, used chiefly for vaginal lavage and for enemas.
2) The creator and contributor of http://insler.blogspot.com/
This is getting ugly and repetitive. There is a lot of wasted energy and talent on display here.
It seems to me that Anonymous is a marvelous example of hypocrisy. "Typical. Hackneyed. Blase." These are all words that would describe the practice of demeaning a man's personal thoughts and feelings by making refgerence to global crises that have no bearing on most people's everyday lives. Furthermore, the accusation and its followup are quite possibly the most egotistical comments ever posted on or in response to this blog. SHAME.
This is awesome. I mean, let Mike whine about being in grad school. The blog is about wasting time, for christsake. Its not like he's asking someone to help him out of is misery rather than save the people of Darfur...
That said, MIke, you are my modern hero.
Now mike has this thing in his profile. Just to get more people commenting. Mike, you're a comment-whore.
Mike, you're a comment-whore.
And a Douche Bag. You CAN'T forget that.
Whoever called it blase is a fucking retard.
OMG THERE ARE STARVING PEOPLE AND STUFF AND YOU COMPLAIN MIKE YOU JERK WAAA WAAA WAAA I KNOW PLACES LIKE ROWANDIA.
seriously, here's a man that basically makes a blog about his observations and emotions. Saying things like "zomg you should feel better cuz you're in a good place blah blah blah" isn't going to help at all. Instead you've just riled him and his friends up so you can jerk off your own ego.
Congrats.
lycaon = correct.
Wow, look at all of the people jumping on the bandwagon to defend Mike. There's no drama if everybody agrees. Long live Anonymous... Mike's a big douchebag with poop for brains.
Well, I'm a fan of bandwagons, but I'll refrain for now. I would just like to express my utter annoyance with the blatant misuse of standard written English. Here in America, periods and commas go inside quotation marks. It's "vitriolic." Talk about being concerned with something trite.
www.savedarfur.org
I feel sorry for anonymous who may quite lonely and miserable unlike Mike who is liked and loved by many of his blog's readers. Mike is honest and has great personal integrity and sincerity.In his personal life he has chosen for friends those who are also good hearted, sensitive and brilliant. You can choose your friends not your blog posters.
who is kml? (or kmi) That looks like MY initials, Mike, but believe me it ISN'T me.
geezus ... why are anonymous commentors making cracks about the anonymity of other anonymous commentors?
hey adora, asl?
Hey kml, asl?
Adora,
Because some of the anonymous people are Mike's parents.
wtf is asl?
78 1/2 / both / jail
I go by the greek name of a werewolf, does that make me anon?
My name is Nick Destefano. I am currently persuing a dual degree at the university of connecticut (engineering physics and applied mathematics). I enjoy artwork, video games, long walks on the beach (by the moonlight), and high maintenance girls (yes, Im honest).
I once went to a silly motivational cult meeting thing with a friend of mine. The motivational speaker / cult leader asked us all to think of what we wanted out of life. There were plenty of typical answers; an 80-foot yacht, a Ferrari, a big house, a nice spouse and family, general happiness, et cetera.
My answer was, "I want something worth wanting." I think this is a fair answer. The vast majority of commonly accepted pursuits sound vain and hollow to persons with any substance or complexity. The search for meaningful pursuits in life is itself a meaningful pursuit. Further, being a reasonable person makes it hard to attach yourself to unreasoned goals.
Ultimately, I think that purpose derives from suffering, either from our own experience or compassion for the suffering of others. If you take the time to think about it, I'm sure you'll find that there are things in life that you would stand up for, care for, and wish to preserve. Surely a decent education would be one of those things. Sitting through endless crappy lectures gives any half-reasonable person a strong will to do better to others than was done to them.
I'm honestly not sure what else would be important to you. But if you think deeply about those things and people in life that you truly care for, the way to live should sort of fall out on its own.
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